CadetSC

i don’t know what it is about me coming back this time, but it reminded me of how much of a therapy outlet this once website, was. i guess today i want to focus on the topic of music. i’m kinda mad at myself low key, but not all of it is entirely my fault.. i’m not even going to be surprised if i start randomly trauma dumping at 3am. one cringe thing i can remember about DA was when clay literally bought me the little core membership and i called him up and said i gifted it to him. how fucking corny… yeahhh, that’s going to be one of those things that haunt me. anyways, i wish i would’ve found some app that would’ve let me record music. i knew i wanted to make it, so i’d get on youtube and start writing lyrics but it never went anywhere of course. i think that saved me from killing my mom if we’re being honest. i remember having composition notebooks and just books in general FILLED with shit that i’ve written throughout the years. back when my mom lost her mind and packed all my shit up, i was looking through it in the storage unit she bought to store everything, and she had written “poser” all over each piece of paper. this was years ago of course, but that was a constant thing for her to do my entire life. i don’t know what it was about this time that really hurt me, but i didn’t touch anything for a good year or so. i couldn’t imagine how much time it took for her to sit there and do that to every page. looking back at it now, it sickens me to see how jealous of her own child she was. because of that, i feel like the majority of my success and peak creativity has been stolen from me. even though all of it was absolute ASS, i could’ve used that for some of the stuff i write today. for about a year and a half now, i’ve been solely focused on writing and learning how to express my emotions correctly in a way that wouldn’t cause damage to other people and myself. the hardest part about being an artist from what i’ve noticed, is that you never TRULY know when creativity will hit. you think sitting in front of an ocean would spark something, but of course it doesn’t for me. i can be staring at a wall for 15 minutes and come up with a bridge and a hook. it tends to be so fucking frustrating. i’ll admit that there are tears involved pretty often. i’m learning how to use FL by watching these videos between classes and shit, which adds up to a grand total of 8 hours to watch a 4 hour video. i retain a quarter of it, so i’d probably chop it up to a day’s work if i really tried and put my distractions in another room. i still don’t have a PC just yet, but i hope to get one soon. that alone is going to require me to sink every ounce of my savings in, just for the basic MPK and sound packs i need. i’m not going to buy the latest jet pack three million water cooled bla bla bla. i just need something to help me learn and be able to profit so i can GET new shit. sometimes i wish this wasn’t my dream. i’ve found myself comparing my shit to literal legends, and it has discouraged me from doing anything because i know i don’t have skill like them, and i for damn sure don’t have the patience for all that shit. i mean, i’ve slowly been correcting it and it’s worked, but i literally have to smoke 3 blunts back to back and dig to the deepest part of my brain that still has some function going on. it’s working most of the time. i just have to remember to be mindful of why i’m doing this and what it is doing to help me. my happy medium consists of paying tribute to some of them in a few of my tracks. if this winds up attracting a larger audience, they won’t know that shit, which brings me to my next topic. i feel like IF this shit were to blow up, i’d of course be seen as weird or a fucking basket case. that is going to follow me everywhere i go regardless. it’s weird to explain, but subconsciously i’m able to come up with some fire ass bars, and i later think about it and i’m like “man this is really at -“ and it makes me LOVE that song. like, i’m attached to a lot of the shit i put out. like it’s stuff i wish i would hear on the radio type shit. that’s the stuff that doesn’t get traction, but if i hop on a beat and just start being retarded, i get attention. it’s so weird how it works like that, but i’ve told myself that i’m going to start doing that more. in the end, it all makes sense to me. i feel like nobody is ever going to understand how much music means to me. everything i do has a flow or some type of beat behind it. it’s so bad to the point to where i literally dream of it. i put thought into everything i make even when i’m not trying to. it’s cool, but i hear people go “people aren’t going to like everything you put out,” but the one thing i can’t stand is when motherfuckers start stripping away somebody’s meaning of music. i don’t care if you don’t like my shit, but don’t sit there and say some bullshit about something that could be separated from the ARTIST themselves. i pay my homage and that’s it. call me fat, ugly, stupid, i don’t care. just don’t talk about the people who made me comfortable with that shit. (i guess that was a useless rant but whatever) i don’t care what haystak did when he was 18 bro, people change. this new thing people do by hating on people just because, makes me want to claw my eyes out and rip my ears off. shut the fuck up and don’t listen to it if you’re that mad. i’ve quit that shit myself and never looked back since. anyways, i’ve used up my brain data for the moment, so i’ll post later probably. thanks for reading.

i’m looking through his stuff and i never realized how much shit i took for granted. i am totally blaming this on my life at home. things would be so different and peaceful. ugh, i wish i would’ve got my life together.